beceh: (isolde alone)
 You know, sometimes I wish I could just flick through my life like a book. Read my biography, cheat and read the last few pages... before going back and reading it properly... Although whenever I do that with actual books I always make the wrong assumptions, so maybe it's not such a good idea. 

Would you want to know the future?

One of Elisa's aunts told her to be careful for the next few years because the choices we make in our twenties usually affect the rest of our lives, moreso than any other point in our life. Of course this isn't true for everyone... but it is for a lot of people. They pick their spouse, their career, where they live.... kind of weird to think about. I think it might be getting a little less relevant these days though with people taking a lot longer to grow up and make these major decisions. 

Compare my parents generation to mine - many of them married their first long-term partner in their early-mid twenties. They started working in a field and made a career out of it for 30-40 years. These days we go through 3, 4, 5 long-term relationships, we jump around careers, we stay at home for longer and longer.... 

Hmm I don't know where I'm going with this. 

Sometimes I wish I knew where I'll end up, and who I'll end up with... like there is some conclusion. But isn't life just a journey? Why am I searching for a WHO all the time. I am really enjoying my time with Keenan at the moment, would it make it any more or less special if I knew that we were going to break up in a few months/years/whenever, or if I'd spend the rest of my life with him? I don't know. 

I can't spend my life always waiting, wanting something more. Need to live in the now, now is all there is. 
beceh: (flowerswoman)
 How do I feel fulfilled with my life?

The main things, for me, are to be happy and have meaningful relationships with others. And also to be productive. 

At the moment I am not being productive. I am happy (mostly) and I am certainly not neglecting my social scene, but I'm not being productive in anything. I am not producing anything. I'm not DOING anything. People ask me what I've been up to and I'm like "..... um..... honestly not much." I'm always busy, but it's just hanging out with Keenan or Mike or Lisa or Elisa & Ian or housemates or Mickey or whoever.... 

Financially I need to get a job within the next few months... but the idea of some 9-5 (or whatever time) office/menial job bores me to absolute tears. I have never been career minded in the slightest. It has never been important to me. As long as I'm financially comfortable, I'm quite content. 

A lot of people around me seem to think that to be fulfilled I (or anyone) needs a job. If it was a job that you enjoyed, then I might agree.. but seriously, most people don't like their jobs. Only a lucky few seem to find a job that they love, or actually have a dream of what they want to do. But most jobs in our society aren't productive. We are just little worker bees making someone else rich, while trying to eek out our own living. 
I'm not going to make any impact on the world, or anyone really, working in an insurance call centre. 

I keep saying I want to write, I want to be an author. But I've hardly written anything much at all the past year. Maybe I have too much time on my hands. I don't know. I'm lazy. I procrastinate. I think I'll do it tomorrow. I'm not in the mood... 

I've just run across an ocean to do nothing. Yes, I am having an excellent time here, I am making some great friendships and seeing and getting to know another part of the world... but something is lacking. 


And now I need to go out and be social and what-not again. Woe is me. 

Maybe I will make it an early night and come back and finish the chapter that I've been working on for weeks/months/years. 


beceh: (Default)

December 2011

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